It just wasn’t meant to be

Written by Lauren on. Posted in General

Regular followers will have noticed it’s been a bit quiet recently and a few people have been asking me where on earth my 12 Days of Christmas feature is as the big day gets nearer and nearer.  I did have a wonderful jam packed 12 Days of Christmas planned again this year, I had a lot of fun doing it last year but unfortunately over recent weeks the Blog has had to take a back seat.

A fair few weeks ago I found out I was pregnant with baby number 3.  It was a bit of a shock because the Hubby and I had only just started thinking about it and suddenly it was happening.  It made my much wanted 3 year age gap turn into only 2 and a half years!  I wasn’t ecstatic, I was worried.  It didn’t feel right from day one like I knew something would happen and I didn’t let myself get too excited.

I saw a midwife and got booked in because I was going with the motions and started to look forward to my scan which was only a few weeks away because they had me down as 8 weeks pregnant when I found out.  About 10 days before my scan I started to bleed, which wasn’t a big deal as I bled with both boys and had two gorgeous babies come out of it.  Even so I went to the Dr and was booked in for an early scan to check everything was ok.  5 days later I was sat in the EPU (early pregnancy unit) being told that even though I was meant to be 11.5 weeks pregnant, the baby, complete with heartbeat, only looked about 7 weeks so the sonographer wasn’t convinced the pregnancy would continue.

I was sad, not overly devastated, like I said there was just something that didn’t feel right from the moment I found out so I don’t think deep down that I was at all shocked.  They booked me in for another scan 3 weeks later to see what was going on.  We got on with things at home with the bleeding coming and going, it became a waiting game.  I started to get really angry with my body.  I knew it was going to happen so why couldn’t it just get on with it?!  We travelled up to Reading for my mums party and on the Friday the bleeding increased dramatically.  I was still ok and somewhat relieved that some progress was being made.  I had cramps but they just felt like period pains so I kept it quiet so that the focus wasn’t taken away from my mums birthday.  On the Sunday things were getting worse and we travelled home.  I wasn’t in agony I was just uncomfortable and being a woman subjected to such discomfort on a monthly basis I didn’t think anything of it.

On the Monday morning the bleeding had stopped and I did the school run as normal laughing and joking with people I met along the way.  I got home and started the housework, which I have always said was bad for you!  Suddenly I was in agony.  It was excruciating and felt like the last stages of labour.  I had already booked a Doctors appointment for 2pm so was going to try and wait it out until then but it just got worse.  I tried to get hold of the Hubby but he had said his phone was on low battery so when it went to voice mail I started the panic.  I remembered that he had phoned me from work on one of his friends phones about a month before so I desperately searched my mobile call log and found a random number.  Luckily the right person picked up but I was so emotional and in so much pain that all I did was freak him out!  The Hubby was already on his way home so I started arranging child care for the boys, not knowing if we would be home in time to collect them from school.

Off we trotted to A&E where I was actually pretty impressed with the service!  I was seen almost immediately and given Morphine (that’s probably why I was impressed!)  and had my obs done frequently.  They were quite worried because my BP kept dropping and they thought it was due to how much blood I was losing.  The Hubby and I were doing our usual and laughing and joking to try avoiding how we should really be feeling but both jumped when the BP/Heartrate monitor started beeping at us and a nurse rushed in!  Rather than thinking there was something wrong with me I was like “I didn’t do anything!”

After being transferred to the Gynaecology department we were told that it did look extremely likely that we had lost the baby and we were to keep the scan appointment for the 7th just to check that everything had gone naturally.  Emotionally I am ok.  I know that early miscarriage is usually due to a problem with the baby so there was nothing that I did to cause it and nothing that I could have done to have prevented it.  At the scan on Friday we were told that there is something still there but that it will come out on it’s own when I have a period but the relief of finally having it properly confirmed made me feel so much better than I was.  I had 5 weeks of bleeding up until the day before the scan but there as always a tiny bit of hope clouding my judgement on how to feel.  I did have a very teary day when my hormones started sorting themselves out but other than that I have had quite a positive outlook on the whole thing.  Those 5 weeks did give me a lot of time to get used to the idea that there will be no baby so it wasn’t a shock in the slightest when she said it was over.

The only thing that does bother me is how naive I was about miscarriage.  I had one before we had Spud which happened at 6 weeks so it was just like a heavy period.  Having a miscarriage at 14 weeks was horrific.  If i had known just how bad they can be I would never have compared my 6 week loss to someone losing a baby early in the second trimester.

This post wasn’t intended to gain sympathy, I simply felt like I owed you all an explanation as to where I have been and why there is no Christmas section this year.  Writing it has definitely helped me deal with things that were still hanging over me and I did always say I started my Blog as an outlet for my thoughts!

I am working on the Christmas competitions at the moment so hopefully we will have a few to enjoy next week to hopefully make it up to you all – they will only be open for a few days so make sure you keep your eyes peeled!

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